What's the Real Challenge Here?

Early in my time advising high school students, I noticed my tendency to take the first concern my students raised and jump in to problem solve right away. While it felt good in the moment, speaking to their first concern made me fix the symptoms rather than get to the heart of their real problem.

A huge *aha* moment came in reading Question 3 from Michael Bungay Stanier's incredible book The Coaching Habit. Sitting in silence watching someone struggle had always been impossible for me.

Now, when I am working with a client in a high pressure situation, I sit back and let them talk for as long as possible. They come in frustrated, elated, or concerned. And I wait. I make eye contact. I nod my head. I smile. They lead. I wait. When they stop for a few seconds, I take a deep breath. I sit in the silence for a little bit longer.

Then I'll say, “Wow, I hear ya! So what’s the real challenge here for you?” I watch them exhale.

“I think it’s...”

Bingo. Now we’re on to something.